Today I was planning on going back a bit and writing about our trip to the theatre on December 23rd, and sharing those good memories with you, but my mind is not there today. Sorry. I hope you’ll forgive my need to let it all hang out a bit today, but I just really need this release right now. I need a place to vent and I have nowhere else to go with this. I thought this morning, as I lay awake staring at the ceiling, that maybe getting out a bit of my sadness here would help me let it go. Here at my blog I always keep it light and breezy, because I don’t want to bum anybody out, and I’m naturally one of those glass half full people. But I thought to myself, this is my space to say what comes to my mind and write about my life experiences…the good and bad, so why not just let it rip a bit. So here goes…
I’m having my yearly readjustment after Christmas, as I figure that many of you have been having too. Mine always is in response to dealing with my various in-laws over Christmas. I always come away from it feeling a bit unwelcomed and depressed. It has been really hard and I’m just afraid sometimes that it is changing me in ways that I don’t want it to. When I think of Christmas, I don’t want the first word that comes to my mind to be ‘dread’. I figure that many of you out there know all too well about family drama at Christmas. It’s kind of a given in some cases I guess. We spent Christmas Day, Boxing Day, and the Sunday….three days in a row in various company and I’ll tell you, it was a relief when Sunday evening came. I’ve tried everything that I know how for a few years now, including just relaxing and letting things happen naturally, but it just never works out. I can’t get in. I guess that it is what it is and I try to just see it that way. Still, it hurts. It makes it harder since I’m so far from everyone and everything that I know and it can mess with your head. I’m an optimist though, so I just stuff it away each year and try to get on with my life. Anyway, who knows???
I’ll just leave it there because I don’t want it to seem like I’m trashing anyone. That’s not my style. I told Brit Boy that I was going to post about this and he understood. It’s just that this year for some reason, it has been extra hard to let go. Maybe it’s some kind of cumulative effect???? Anyway, I’m starting to feel a tiny bit better as I’m typing this. Maybe breaking the wall of silence is helping me to feel as if I’m getting a bit of my power back. Just confessing, even this little bit is a relief and I'm feeling more like the person I was before I came here.
Thanks for reading this far. I really appreciate it like you wouldn’t believe :-) This is one of the things that I love about blogging. You can bare a tiny bit of your soul and even though you are letting it out before the world, it feels okay because it is truthful and I guess in the end that helps the healing of whatever is troubling your heart.
This post is freeing to me, even though it may not seem earth shattering as you read this. To me, who has remained tight-lipped for so long, it’s like taking a breath after a long time. I realize it's okay to just say, hey I'm hurting right now. It’s like speaking it out is what I needed to do at this very point in time. Maybe a door is opening for the better. Maybe now some air can get in. Maybe now I'll feel more able to just say it…whatever it is, even when it's hard.
So I’m taking a breath and just letting go… :-)
Next time, it’s all about the theatre…