Sunday, December 20, 2020

This Year: 2020

Winter leafless trees


Christmas Day is five days away. It's surreal to think that Christmas is nearly here and that the new year will be here a week after that. This has been the most unsettling year to say the VERY least. I'm at a loss for words to describe it because any descriptive words that I come up with seem woefully inadequate. The world has gone through SO MUCH despair and heartache collectively. 

Personally, I have lost family members and honestly, I never knew that my heart could hurt so much. I thought that I felt terrible in the spring, but then life said..."Wait, there's more." 

Everything sounds clich√©, but I've spent a lot of this year feeling rather numb and extremely anxious. Nothing feels "right" anymore and I'm struggling to find what "right" or "okay" would feel like to me again. I know that things will be different because going through hell changes you, even if it's in small ways. I guess that life is about change, but this has been something else. 

As I type this, I'm just doing my best to stay in the moment. I've been reading a lot this year about resilience during these harsh days of 2020 and one thing that I've noticed the most is the advice to stay in the moment. I used to wonder what people truly meant when they said that. I took it in on a surface level I guess, but THIS YEAR has not just told me, but it has shown me in full color just what that means. I've had no choice but to stay in the moment, because grief has wrestled me to the ground whenever I looked back too much and played the "shoulda-woulda-coulda" game with myself. And when I've tried to think about the future, anywhere further than a day ahead, I've been frozen by anxiety. Therefore, staying in the moment has become my mantra and my survival. 

Still, I know that I will be okay. There is a path. I will get there. I will heal. I am healing.

This year has taken a lot, but I have learned so much and I am still learning. Life is so precious.

This will be my final post for 2020. I know that I've been sporadic with my blogging this year, but I look forward to going forward into 2021 with a clean slate. I look forward to sharing much more here. I just need to take a breather and concentrate on healing. I'll be back in the new year! I hope that you'll visit me again.

Here's to renewal and healing!

I wish everyone who celebrates, a Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year! 
Be well and stay safe.

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